the pc police never get it right

So the new edition of the Eth Cult Field Reporter arrived yesterday (3 copies - they could have saved some $$ by asking us to share) and, as the PC Police are wont, they fall all over themselves so as to not offend, and sure enough, they come up with a new offense.

After receiving (and publishing) a letter of concern from an alum/former teacher, the Reporter revamped the "Public Notice" section, taking the bold step of changing "Weddings" to "Weddings & Unions" and ceasing to ask for "photos of the bride and groom". OK, I too abhor the bigotry that prevents people from marrying whomever they choose, but isn't this just kind of rubbing salt in the wound? And anyway what happened to parallel structure? That would be "Marriages & Unions" wouldn't it? And doesn't one encompass the other? Are we unconsciously pandering to the right while trying to be pc?

So I was thinkin' about that one when my eye was drawn to another new heading: "Babies". Babies? That used to be called "Births & Adoptions" (and I'm sure it must have been just "Births" before that). I'm thinking this decision must have called for the entire Board to be convened - but what were they thinking? What about adopting older children? Can't put them in the "Babies" column, can you. Another step backward, by someone whose offense-o-meter is turned to Super Sensitively Off Base.

But then I come upon this one: "Deaths". So final. What about the Buddhists or Zoroastrians among us? Wouldn't "Departures" be more consonant with their beliefs?

So I came up with a better solution: use a mathematical model. It's a school, right? Here you go:

"Addition": for marriages, unions, domestic partnerships, commitment ceremonies - whatever. One plus one equals two, period.

"Subtraction": for deaths, with or without reincarnation (although we could consider a subhead of "exponents" for rebirths and multiple lives).

"Multiplication": an obvious choice for births, adoptions, and other family expansion, preferably regarding young 'uns, but if your kid got married and you didn't lose a son, but gained a daughter, that works too.

And now I suggest a new category for "Public Notice" (which, by the way, is a rather odd heading itself, but I can't think of a replacement at this late hour):

"Division": yes, for divorces. Hey, maybe people want to have an official announcement, to avoid all those awkward emails.

So that's my take on the renovated Reporter.

Oh, by the way, announced among "Class Notes" of 1995 :

Jordan Bratman married pop singer Christina Aguilera in California.
Groomsmen included classmates Edgar Abrams and Matt Tauber,
as well as Jordan's older brother, Josh '91. Beautiful wedding pictures

were published in OK Magazine.

Meaning wedding or union, we ain't gettin' no free pix.