VOTE OBAMA

Listen to Donna Brazile ...and vote Obama. I was for Edwards, then Hillary,

Wyoming. "The Equality State"?

So here's the thing. I'm in the habit of looking at the newly issued state quarters when I get them because there's a collector in the fam. We're up to the Western states already - Idaho came out earlier this year, nice, eagle's head. So yesterday I got the new Wyoming quarter and took a close look at it. Really cool - with a cowboy on a bucking bronco. Made me think of Brokeback Mountain, in fact -- you know, the rodeo, Wyoming mountain -- but I was kind of surprised to see the slogan "The Equality State". Equality? As in let's murder Matthew Shepard because he's gay? And then I remembered that Wyoming has also brought us Dick and Lynne Cheney. So it turns out, as I was told by the Tennesseean in our midst, that Wyoming was the first state to grant women the right to vote - in 1869 - hence the Equality State. Well, I'm not going to knock that - but aren't they just a little embarrassed

I figure that if "equality" is what is valued in Wyoming, then clearly "honesty" is not.

Wishing you all a sweet 5768... this speaks for itself

Labor day (plus one)

Fellowette's post got me thinking, and singing... and yes, I remember this verbatim and will sing it for you the next time I see you:

"Look for the union label
when you are buying your coat, dress or blouse.
Remember somewhere
our union's sewing
our wages going
to feed the kids and run the house...
We work hard, but who's complaining.
Thanks to the I-L-G we're paying our way....
So always look for the union label.
It says we're able to make it in the U.S.A."

Ask your parents, kids.

This was more popular where I grew up than the Star Spangled Banner.

Remember when we wouldn't eat grapes? Viva Chavez! (not Hugo)


I typed those lyrics from memory, but then I found this, and I present it to you a day late:

Best line in last, best Harry Potter.. perhaps in all of literature

Kinda says it all, don't you think? Even if her name wasn't Molly.

and now the followup question...

How many F?eldston parents did you spot in that video? I see two.

still crazy after all these years

you just can't beat it

happy 2007

you don't want to miss this video, or, what happens to people on drugs

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's not "douche", it's not "douche"..."

Um, and is it really "cal-ee-ope"??

And she has a facebook group!

And she has a MySpace page!!

news roundup

* It looks like Bad Spano is going to take an even longer vacation... he congratulated Andrea, but didn't concede. Some people really need to learn how to let go.

* Those Russians really know how to do it. KGB guy investigating the murder of a journalist? Putin kills him with radiation with a straight face , and denies any involvement. I mean, do they think no one will worry about who would have access to the stuff other than one of Putin's guys?

* Sha Na Na is joining the Drifters in a quest to make it illegal in New Jersey for a band to perform under a name unless at least one member is from the original group.

I particularly like this quote:

In 2004, a New Jersey man named Bill Deal performed at the Ocean City Music Pier as Bill Deal from the Rhondels — but the famous Bill Deal from Virginia had been dead for months.

Bill Deal and the Rhondels were famous for “What Kind of Fool Do You Think I Am?” But the non-famous Bill Deal had no answer to that question when pressed for an explanation.

“Sorry about that,” he said at the time. “I didn't have any major career.”

Uh, neither did the real Deal.

* There is an "air stagnation" advisory today in New York. I don't even know what that means, but I suspect Rudy's in town.

*

This just in... FCC May Ban Borat

More breaking news ... AP is reporting that "A government agency said it would refuse to grant permission for Sacha Baron Cohen's controversial comedy Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan'to be shown in theaters ..."

They said "the film could offend some viewers and contained material that 'might seem disparaging in relation to certain ethnic groups and religions'..."

But Vadim Ivanov, theatrical sales director at Twentieth Century Fox said, "This story is not over."

Click on the headline for the full story.

Wait. "Ivanov"?

Oh, that FCC. In the immortal words of Emily Litella.... never mind.

"As Local As Local News Gets"

A great election night - and, as reported, it's looking even better today. Finally, after twelve long years - many of my readers likely don't remember Washington before Newt Gingrich. Nancy Pelosi - Ms. "San Francisco-values" - sitting up there with the gavel. I can hardly wait to see the State of the Union, which I have refused to watch for the last 6 years. (Well, I peeked, but couldn't stand to sit through them.) Charlie Rangel heading Ways and Means - a far cry from Wilbur Mills (boy I miss those old sex scandals that didn't involve young boys or nude meth massages). Kennedy and Biden running the show at Judicial - bring on those nominees for the Supremes. This is big. Rummy is out. There actually is a ray of light.

But not in the 'Chester. Bad Spano is at it again - only this time he lost by over 2000 votes instead of "winning" by "18 votes" - and instead of conceding the damn election to Andrea Stewart-Cousins, he's going to demand a recount. You know, a recount, like in 2004 when he was ahead by 1700 votes and she wanted a recount and he tried to block it, and when he lost that fight went for the next best thing which is miraculously winning by 18 votes. And is he doing this today? NO, he went on vacation. To Florida, where they know all about recounts - probably meeting up with Katherine Harris to get some tips. Well, all I know is they spent a small fortune on this New York State Senate race, and Andrea won, but Bad Spano won't accept defeat. And his little brother, Bad Spano Too, is in trouble too, with a "narrow lead" according to the local rag (and I don't use that term lightly) - he's ahead by 768 votes, and they're still counting. Maybe we'll be Spano-less in Albany come January. You know what? It may all come down to the absentee ballots - and the lil' one sent hers in! Yay! - so I'll keep watching News12 and you keep watching this space for updates. Let's hear it for democracy! God Bless the Empire State! (Some dude actually said that in his concession speech. Or maybe it was Alan Hevesi.)

Oh, I almost forgot: John Hall seems to have taken Sue Kelly's Congressional seat - John Hall, the guy from the 70s group Orleans - "Still the One" (he sued Bush 2004 when they used the song without his permission) and "Dance With Me" - now all bald and respectable-looking (compare and contrast to the cover of Waking and Dreaming), but an old anti-nuke from way back (and he's still making music!). Goodbye Sue Kelly, whose picture surely belongs in this inspiring Hall of Fame of Republican Women (a group almost as bad as Republicans of Color who defy rationality).


Coming soon.... me, to Boston environs, this weekend. Plans are being made for at least one foray into Cambridge (not the same without son, but now that he's back in civilization we get together lots)... a meal is a definite possibility - speak to lil' one. We need to talk about Borat.

HOORAY!

Yeah. Once again, fuck you, farmers. You ruined spinach, deprived me of my carrot juice, and you've been hoarding my hour's sleep since March. Well, my little chickadees, your time is up. I've just enjoyed watching my computer automatically reset itself.. Why I have to manually change my cellphone I don't know, but I do it in October with joy, also the microwave, VCR, tvs, and a whole bunch of clocks. Each one, with a smile.

At last, time is in its rightful place. Yes, yes, I know it will get dark earlier than yesterday. But as I have said before, it's the WINTER. That's what happens. The days are shorter. It's dark early. If we lived way up North it would be dark all the time. Deal with it.

Me, I will wake up far less grumpy than before. Rejoice, real time is back.

PS- One PP is carrying on, and who knows, may even do one of his nifty new podcasts, mourning tonight's end of daylight savings time. A farmer from the Bronx, poor misguided fellow. Children, listen to Momma. This be good.

jewhoo out of service; "Famous Jews Interactive" is here!

Complete with categories. Lots of them. Jewhoo has at least temporarily bit the dust (replaced by a blog) - but famous.heebz.com seems to fill the void. (Famous Heebz dot com? What a name.)

So.

Paula Abdul is a Sephardic Jew. I'll be damned.

hold the press - MOLFW

OK, so I found another one - Momma's OTHER Latest Favorite Website, and it's a doozy. Just in time for 5767.

www.somethingjewish.co.uk

First of all, I've known for 35 years, since I first went to England, that British Jews are a little odd and very different from American Jews, at least the ones from New York where we rarely feel like we're a minority. They must feel kind of isolated. (We do have JDate here, but why else so many UK Jewish dating sites?)

But this compendium of all things Jewish for Brits is quite something. Lots of interesting links in here, like Jewishblogging.com (hey, some of us should sign up!) and "ask the rabbi" and the unbelievable dailyjews.com ("All the Jews as it Happens...All the Jews Fit to Print" - could anyone else get away with that??)

But here's one link you won't want to miss. Does it really say this??

"Where are Jew Now?" Uhh...

Interesting fact-lets, and then .... BOOM .... Paula Abdul is Jewish?? I have to go over to Jewhoo for confirmation! (Abdul??)

Zie gezunt.

L'shana tova; MLFW

Happy new year to my faithful, and not so faithful, readers. This doesn't rise to "Book of Life" atonement-level, but I do resolve to be here more frequently, and hope you will too.

So.... for my first entry of 5767, I am introducing a new MVsa feature:

Momma's Latest Favorite Website or MLFW.

Today's is www.cantfindongoogle.com which is pretty much what it sounds like. I've yet to actually post anything, but I did find something I was looking for, and this site looks like it has potential.

Feel free to suggest others...

And now let's watch Bill Clinton demolish Chris Wallace again - it's great.



(Hey, can someone with a computer manufactured sometime after Clinton was President tell me if that worked??)

Sean Patrick Maloney for AG?

I've been getting email from Sean Patrick Maloney who seems to be running for the Democratic nomination for NY Attorney General. I don't know how they got my email address, and up until today I just deleted the notes without reading 'em because they come in html and my old email system doesn't like html and I haven't cared enough to bother to look for a link to be able to actually read the stuff.... anyway, today I did.

So who is Sean Patrick Maloney and how likely am I to vote for him?

Here's the way I see it on quick glance:

Irish: -25 points

not Jewish: 0 (would be -25 points but I don't want to be unfair, considering I already took off 25 for being Irish, and no, I'm not prejudiced, I just think we need more Jews in government especially with Mel Gibson out there reminding everyone that we control the world - we may as well actually control the world)

openly gay with adopted, interracial children: +50 points

former COO of "Kiodex, Inc., a Warburg Pincus portfolio company that provides risk management solutions to the commodities derivatives markets": ok, I know what risk management is because I used to work for one of those, and I have some idea of what a portfolio is, but you lose me on "commodities derivatives" which doesn't even sound grammatical, so I will have to say: -30 points on principle, subject to losing further points when I find how what the fuck that actually means and I probably won't like it

corporate lawyer: -30 points

also represents family of Matthew Shepard: +30 points, fair is fair

worked in Clinton White House as youngest and only gay staff something or other: +/- 10 points depending on if he asked or told

can't really tell what his positions are if you read his website: what else is new

endorsed by: OY, um, no one? +20 points, let's give this guy a chance

WHOA! is on leave from "the New York-based law firm Willkie Farr & Gallagher,where former New York Governor Mario Cuomo, Andrew Cuomo’s father, is a partner.": And he's running against Andrew? Hmmmmmmmm: +10 points because it could become interesting

chances of winning around 0%: +25 points, I have a long and sad history of usually voting for the loser (R.I.P., Eugene McCarthy.)


So, I don't know what Sean's positions are, or when the primary is, or where they got my email address from, but I kinda like the guy.

Anyone want to update me? Yo, it's.. still stumping for Mark Green?

Project Runway season three week two

OK, Malan's dress was butt-ugly and it deserved to lose. But at least he showed some class and integrity and said he should be the one to go if it lost. But who doesn't think Angela should have been the one thrown off? I mean, come on - she was a total bitch and did nothing this week but complain. The judges are slipping, and it's only week 2. Bring back Kors. Go Vincent. Gotta love the guy. But I'm rooting for Michael. That coffee filter dress kicked ass.

overheard on the beach

scene: two 30-something blondes lounging on sand chairs, drinks in hand

blonde #1: "Did you hear the news?"

blonde #2: "About Christie?"

blonde #1: "No, I mean the real news."

blonde #2: "Nah. You know, 10 months out of the year I'm real C-Span-y. Up here I don't bother."


Personally, I'd like to hear the news about Christie.

who is this man and why is he writing to my daughter?

and what happened to his legs?

listen up fwavlosphere - aux armes!

Forgive me, Father, it's been one month since my last confession....

Ok, I've been among the worst offenders but it's time to get back to it, FWAV-Ls.

Here's what yo' Momma has been up to.

Amid several days of biblical rainfall, with barely a tent in sight as apparently the endowment just can't quite cover that expense, her elder child (unsurprisingly) successfully finished his jail time - uh, I mean, he has now entered the world of educated women and men, according to the inimitable former President Summers (still trying desperately to convince everyone that he really does think women are smart and capable of rocket science and his words were misquoted, misjudged, distorted and attacked by a bunch of man-hating feminist literary types who could never make it as mathematicians -- oh, no, that's not what he meant )-- uh, yeah, Larry conferred the degrees while sequentially giant plastic tubes of toothpaste, stethoscopes and ace bandages, books, globes, and unidentifiable yellow things, and then large dollar bills (yup, HBS) were waved - followed by much cheering and maybe undergrad caps tossed - couldn't see for all the umbrellas - and the kid graduated. Pictures to follow. Fellow-ette and I loved it - most of it anyway. (Thanks so much for being there, F-e!) Then we stood in more cold rain listening to a truly insulting and overly long Mormon Housemaster speech about said Master's crowning achievement in the Ford administration, when they said a financial fuck you to New York City (sad isn't it, when your crowning achievement took place in the1970s and here you are still talking about it and it's not like you're 90 years old now - you just haven't done shit since then)... by the way, the very concept of "Master" is so upper class, isn't it? Reminds me of another patrician speech about "a master standing in front of his plantation" on a hot September day - September 10, 2001, to be exact - making that particular Master the only person in NY for whom the next awful day was actually his salvation - talk about dodging a bullet... but I digress, although some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, the soggy son made his Momma happy (thank you!) by attending more gala events than he ever would have on his own (and more than Momma did at CCNY, but that's another story), and we had a mini-FWAV-L dinner reunion with Shook travelling incognito, and the son bade farewell to the ivy towers and homeless of Cambridge, to return as a visitor, but no longer a denizen. Congratulations and hooray for no more term bills. Watch for those red-carpet interviews....

Also since my Mother's Day post I joyfully welcomed the return of my wayward immigrant child who, we found out today triumphantly, and equally unsurprisingly, not only didn't flunk out but proved the well-known tenet that if you can't dazzle them with your details, then blind them with your bullshit. I say that completely as a compliment and with the greatest respect - it is a life skill well learned, and one that will serve her well into the future. Her final paper for one class was on the virtues of idleness - a research paper, I might add, and trust me, the kid did a LOT of hands-on research. It is truly a joy to have her back in the 'chester, waking up early and doing all manner of productive things. Ok, well it IS a joy having her here. And since her brother is living in a different hood, all the more so. Ain't nothin' wrong with having your kids both in the same state as you. Location-wise, that is - I make no comment on their mental or any other state.

Otherwise, Sopranos ended, Entourage began, and I did a marathon watch of Big Love which does for polygamy what Six Feet Under did for insane undertakers. Great show - catch it on demand. Saw A New World, probably the worst high-budget movie ever made, and soon will catch Al Gore's latest venture. Who would have thought Al Gore would ever look viable again? Gore/Clinton v. McCain/Guiliani in 2008? Anyone wanna join me on the family rock farm in La Macazzza (spelled thusly to thwart certain googlers)??

So.... FWAV-Ls far and wide, and in particular members of the FWAVLosphere - Momma's back and I want to see all the rest of you posting and commenting again! Yo, it's... is temporarily forgiven due to his unfortunate ATV encounter, and Shook and Fellow-ette have made a valiant effort to stay with it, but come on, let's show 'em how it's done. Pasty, where are you? Lilsabet, M. Twist, Swivel, all the rest of you - comments, please!!

PS: HAPPY FLAG DAY!!

Happy MommaVoz Day

Hey, Hallmark, get with the program - let's have some personalized greeting cards! I mean, you created this holiday so that you and the florists could get rich off of guilt-ridden children and - even more - husbands, so how about something meaningful to the moms? This works for me:

Yo, MommaVoz
we're gathered here
cause you're the shit
in the fwavlosphere
we shook the spot
we're runnin wild
we listen good
we're your immigrant child
but you're our Moms
and we're here to say
hope you have a really great
MommaVoz day


Well, I did. Breakfast with the entire ole' nukuler in a just-this-side-of-seedy diner which was just what I wanted. I mean, it was no Patricia Murphy's - which I am sure none of my fair readers ever heard of - and that's why it was perfect. So - to all of my chilluns, borne and extended.... Happy MommaVoz Day! Don't forget to call , text, email or write your mom, aunt, grandma, et cetera - because even if she says this is a bullshit holiday, don't believe it.

Oh, and to those of you still studying, writing, and otherwise suffering under the yoke of academic torture ... it's almost over!

May 4, 1970 - never forget

ALISON KRAUSE
JEFFREY MILLER
SANDRA SCHEUER
WILLIAM SCHROEDER


Four dead in Ohio. If you were on a college campus that brutal day, it's far more than a brilliant lyric. This article was written in 1995 when people thought it could never happen here again. Nixon was long gone. There would never be another Vietnam.

If you're on a college campus today, or recently were, or will be again soon - or if your children are, were or will be - take a minute to read this and never forget.

don't you just love the beeb?

So maybe you heard that Keith Richards fell out of a palm tree in Fiji - no one's saying why he climbed up that sucker, but he's apparently ok. Momma's glad that not only didn't the heroin kill him, he also survived some island fun.

But God bless the Queen, and the BBC:

"The legendary musician is mid-way through a world tour with the famous British band."
and
"Keith Richards has written some of the most famous guitar riffs in the world."

What insightful journalism!



meta comment to fellow and fellow-ette bloggers: you know how you're writing a post about someone and you want to add a zany picture so you google image the dude and have to search through 10,700 pics to find one shot where he appears to be on crack? well, when you do that with keith the challenge is to find one where he appears to be sane. yeah, i gave up.

hey, we V's have known this all along

"The letter 'W' has entered the mainstream of the Swedish language, getting its own section for the first time in the country's most respected dictionary... While 'W' has long been a letter in its own right in other Nordic languages, Swedish linguists have always viewed it as a lesser sibling of the letter 'V'... the Swedish Academy, which awards the Nobel Prize in literature and whose members are considered the guardians of the Swedish language, decided it was time for 'W' to come out of the shadows."

Yeah maybe, but MommaV says fuck you, W, in any language.


(PS- they call it "double-V"...)

who said the unincorporated town of greenburgh is dull?

Read this.

No, really. Go back and click it.

Unless you're not interested in a 31-year-old college student "angelabella" dominatrix... and cop-spanking. (NB: yo' Momma had to google "angelabella," but you're on your own on that one. And if you're reading this because you googled it and ended here, get the hell outta my house, you creep.)

Ah, Greenburgh.

"pardon this rough, but effective, language"

Remember when Candidate W2000 called NYT reporter Adam Clymer a "major-league asshole" ("big time, big time") in front of an open mic? And before that, in 1988, GWB revealing what he and Poppa GHWB liked to talk about, when not discussing de Toqueville or Machiavelli? Distasteful, but also hard to believe, in these current self-righteous days of the "language" mafia.

Enter Rep. Jo Ann Emerson, R-Mo, who calls constituent an quote asshole unquote in writing... and then, disappointingly, goes all Mission Impossible and disavows all knowledge of how that nasty (only alluded to by AP -"The letter ended with a profane, seven-letter insult beginning with the letter a - "i think you're an... ") crept into her letter. Come on, Jo Ann, goddamnit, have some cojones.

But that brings me to this result of a google news search on asshole . Please, my readers - if any of you are sober today (Lily, can you help me out?) - can someone explain the anatomical discrepancy here?

Berlusconi calls 'asshole' those who don't vote for him
04/05/2006
He used the word "coglioni" - slang for "testicles" - an insult used to belittle people's intelligence. It is common in colloquial Italian but virtually unheard of in political speeches.

Silvio Berlusconi came under fire from Italy's opposition parties on Tuesday after using an offensive term to describe anyone planning to vote for his rival in upcoming elections.

Berlusconi confidently said he was certain he would win re-election on
April 9-10.

"You know why I'm sure?" Berlusconi asked an association of Italian retailers. "Because I have too much respect for the intelligence of Italians to
believe that there are so many 'coglioni' around to vote against their best interest," he said.

The word "coglioni" - slang for "testicles" - is an insult used to belittle people's intelligence. It is common in colloquial Italian but virtually unheard of in political speeches. "Pardon this rough, but effective language," the premier added.

The remark added to an already bitter campaign, hours after a feisty TV debate with centre-left leader Romano Prodi. Prodi said in a statement that the comments had sparked "justifiable indignation".

Berlusconi has lost his popularity recently, largely due to the country's stagnant economy. He was trailing in opinion polls published until late last month, and performed poorly in the first televised face-off compared to the soft-spoken but upbeat Prodi.

On Monday night both leaders traded barbs with sometimes insulting comments.


Look, I know they're Italian, but still balls are balls. And assholes are something else.

* * * *

All of this political asshole talk of course reminds me of Richard Nixon. Not only because he was an asshole, but also because of his referring to Pierre Elliot Trudeau, then PM of Canada, as an "asshole" on one of his home [read: Oval Office] recordings . (To which Trudeau famously replied, "I've been called worse things by better people.") This all came to light only when the transcripts of the tapes were released, years after Watergate, and of course no mainstream newspaper or broadcaster dared utter the offending word then either - except for WBAI radio here in NY (famous of course for the George Carlin 7-dirty-words-FCC confrontation) - where the news anchor reporting the story brazenly said on the air that Richard Nixon had called Pierre Trudeau (and I quote this exactly): "an quote asshole unquote". It was a great day in radio.

a future immigrant home?

So yesterday being Easter Sunday - not one of my favorite holidays as it celebrates a psychotic fantasy, and I don't think such things should be encouraged - but a really pretty day in New York, me and the kid decided to go to the Botanical Gardens to soak up some rays and take some pics and generally just relax and enjoy the return of Spring to the Bronx. So we loaded up on Allegra (thanks Chris-ta-pha - don't you miss Ade's inimitable intonation? - for the plug) and other assorted allergy meds, read the rules (apparently thought to be necessary since the BG is in a somewhat sketchy nabe), and off we went. But as we drove down the forgettably renamed Dr. Theodore Kazimiroff Boulevard - Southern Boulevard to old locals like me - we remembered the hundreds of goyim who take their mothers to see the flowers and realized with a sinking feeling that we'd never get in the parking lot, let alone have ANY tranquility. So we abandoned the plan and drove instead to City Island - "A little bit of New England in the Bronx" - old stomping grounds of my 60s high school youth.

It's a mile-long narrow strip of an island jutting out into Pelham Bay, adjacent to the Long Island Sound, connected to the mainland by a scenic bridge, and full of old slightly run-down but authentic Victorian houses, seafood restaurants, yachting supply stores, The Black Whale I remember so well, antique shops, barely paved lanes and lots of charm with a reggaeton flavor. Latino Cape Cod. Pasty fell in love. "This is it, Mom," she said. "Gonna get me a car..." (yeah, because it's like a three-fare zone to get to civilization) "...and I'm gonna live here." Okay. After she graduates. (Better than Brooklyn, anyway, where I know I'll get lost, and when I get lost I'm like lost in Brooklyn, which is totally intimidating and I'm liable to never be heard from again. Listen up, Swivel.)

So we drive around these quaint dead end streets, sneered at a bit by the locals, but that's good too - I figure they don't like outsiders so that keeps it safe, and she won't be an outsider if she lives there. I'm encouraged. We look at the well-kept little yards, the scenic old waterside cemetery (the only one in New York City) and the totally cool-looking apartments over the shops, thoroughly enjoying the funky weathervanes and nautical nicknacks and the incredible views of the water that's never more than a very short block's walk. "What a great place to chill!" she says, on seeing a stone wall at the water's edge. Bring a few friends along to live with and hey, this could work. It's New York, but it sure feels more relaxed.

We happily meander down one of the few non-dead ends, a little street called Fordham Street that intersects a couple of the even smaller east-west streets, and we're somehow bothered by the sign we see on a fence leading to a pier up ahead at the end: PRISON.

Oh shit.

Restricted area.
Trespassing punishable
by a fine of $600 and
a year in prison.

What. The. Fuck.

"Milly," says I, using an ancient motherly nickname in my distress, "Where is Riker's Island?"

Like she'd know.

This sign, perhaps understandably, put a bit of a pall on the rest of our explorations. But we're talking 2009, so we said we'd look into it and research City Island a bit more. And I did.

Unfortunately. .

So what did I find? Well.....

1. it's not Riker's, it's Hart's - across a VERY NARROW waterway from City Island

2. Hart's Island used to be a prison island

3. some sources say it still is, housing 100 "quality of life" Giuliani-style criminals (wait, this is where they send the squeegee men??) but maybe not, hard to tell (wiki ain't all it's cracked up to be)

4. at one time or another Hart's was:
a Civil War prisoner-of-war camp
a tuberculosis sanitarium
an insane asylum
a poorhouse (yeah, that's what they called it)
a charity hospital for women
a missile base (what?? yeah, an Army NIKE missile base from 1955-61)
a barracks where 3 Germans were held when their U-Boat surfaced off of Long Island in WWII
a reformatory for "misdemeanants"- a k a bad boys
an old men's home
a Phoenix House rehab center
a house for male derelicts

and, since 1869 and still today, with over 800,000 buried bodies: the city’s "Potter’s Field"

which brings me to:
5. that's what the sign is all about - seems they bring prisoners from Riker's over on a bus to City Island's Fordham Street pier, put them on a ferry, and send them to Hart's Island to be gravediggers for the indigent, nameless folk who die and have to be buried by the city, and the inmates get paid between 25 and 35 cents an hour (isn't that illegal? what about minimum wage?) so you know how absolutely happy these inmate gravediggers must be after digging graves, sometimes digging up bodies for newly found families who want to claim them, through a long hot day in the hot beating sun with 25 cents an hour in their pockets... so like what, you don't think it's possible they'll try to overpower their guards and bolt, through the lovely little streets of City Island, easily breaking into the flimsy old bungalows where my baby wants to live?????

And that's not all.

I also uncovered that there may be a serious health problem from the nearby Pelham landfill ... and there are major traffic issues... and developers are snapping up property in hopes of gentrification and consequent soaring prices.

But the worst thing of all may be the deal breaker. Not unlike the horrifying and, yes, revolting revelation that Carmela voted for Bush comes this quote:

''We're a Republican stronghold in a heavily Democratic city.''

Oh no!

City Island has a little time to redeem itself - and it definitely has its positives - but I have to say, Williamsburg is starting to look better, even to this Yankee fan.

"why seward?"

Today in history.....

On April 14, 1865, also Good Friday, Abraham Lincoln was shot and William Seward was stabbed, nearly fatally.

You, too, may have asked, "Why Seward?". Well, ask no more.

(Come, on, you know you see the family resemblance.)

a quiz

Which of these Fall classes is the immigrant registered for?
a. "The Role of Fashion in Nazi Society"
b. "Woody Allen: Love Him or Hate Him, He's MOT"
c. "The Geekness of Alejandro Rey."
d. "Physics for the Undecided."
e. "Beginning Fencing"

Wait - you don't really think they'd put a sword in her hand, do you?

Oh G-d, B'deis. Too much Malaga?

the pc police never get it right

So the new edition of the Eth Cult Field Reporter arrived yesterday (3 copies - they could have saved some $$ by asking us to share) and, as the PC Police are wont, they fall all over themselves so as to not offend, and sure enough, they come up with a new offense.

After receiving (and publishing) a letter of concern from an alum/former teacher, the Reporter revamped the "Public Notice" section, taking the bold step of changing "Weddings" to "Weddings & Unions" and ceasing to ask for "photos of the bride and groom". OK, I too abhor the bigotry that prevents people from marrying whomever they choose, but isn't this just kind of rubbing salt in the wound? And anyway what happened to parallel structure? That would be "Marriages & Unions" wouldn't it? And doesn't one encompass the other? Are we unconsciously pandering to the right while trying to be pc?

So I was thinkin' about that one when my eye was drawn to another new heading: "Babies". Babies? That used to be called "Births & Adoptions" (and I'm sure it must have been just "Births" before that). I'm thinking this decision must have called for the entire Board to be convened - but what were they thinking? What about adopting older children? Can't put them in the "Babies" column, can you. Another step backward, by someone whose offense-o-meter is turned to Super Sensitively Off Base.

But then I come upon this one: "Deaths". So final. What about the Buddhists or Zoroastrians among us? Wouldn't "Departures" be more consonant with their beliefs?

So I came up with a better solution: use a mathematical model. It's a school, right? Here you go:

"Addition": for marriages, unions, domestic partnerships, commitment ceremonies - whatever. One plus one equals two, period.

"Subtraction": for deaths, with or without reincarnation (although we could consider a subhead of "exponents" for rebirths and multiple lives).

"Multiplication": an obvious choice for births, adoptions, and other family expansion, preferably regarding young 'uns, but if your kid got married and you didn't lose a son, but gained a daughter, that works too.

And now I suggest a new category for "Public Notice" (which, by the way, is a rather odd heading itself, but I can't think of a replacement at this late hour):

"Division": yes, for divorces. Hey, maybe people want to have an official announcement, to avoid all those awkward emails.

So that's my take on the renovated Reporter.

Oh, by the way, announced among "Class Notes" of 1995 :

Jordan Bratman married pop singer Christina Aguilera in California.
Groomsmen included classmates Edgar Abrams and Matt Tauber,
as well as Jordan's older brother, Josh '91. Beautiful wedding pictures

were published in OK Magazine.

Meaning wedding or union, we ain't gettin' no free pix.

only love can break a heart

Before the British Invasion - long before Thom Yorke was born - there was Gene Pitney. The quintessential torch singer (also songwriter) with a cry in his voice who could belt out songs like no one else. Just think of the last line of "I'm Gonna be Strong". Some of it may sound a little dated today, but not to me - he did more with heartbreak and lost love than anyone I can think of. And for me he was, and is, always worlds better than Elvis. If you were a girl in junior high in the early 60s, well, Gene Pitney was it. I never did get up to Mohegan Sun with my old friend and fellow traveler Sari to see him perform - we talked about it, planned on doing it now that the kids are all off in college - and today the news came that he died, only age 65, of natural causes in Wales.

I haven't figured out how to do those Shook-type audio links here, or I'd link up a bunch for you. So you'll have to get to itunes yourselves and see what you find. Recommendations? "I Must be Seeing Things" (one of my faves) , "Mecca", "Half Heaven - Half Heartache", "Backstage", "True Love Never Runs Smooth", "Looking thru the Eyes of Love" - and of course "Only Love Can Break a Heart"... I could go on.

Gotta go find my cds - no, I'm going to play the vinyl.

seen in the fwavl-o-sphere*.... thus far

*coinage inspired by SwivelSon

• joyfully announced by the so-called Pasty_Russian (we are not 'pasty', we are 'ivory beige') on MVsa's spiritual momma, inspiration, and all-round mentorblog, the incredibly hilarious UHIB...
  
• appearing as a challenge to his very own family by one Hugh Broughter on a rather degenerate way-too-much-information work of oh-god-I-hope-this-is-fiction, B?YBH (but don't worry, Hugh, I only skimmed the rest of that post - I've known you since you were 4 years old and there is that prom-date connection, and some things I really don't want to know - but you might consider talking to a professional )...
  
• a shout-out - oh no, HOLY SHIT, an actual LINK down there among the links!! (I have arrived!!) - on the multi-talented Shook the Spot's remarkable StheS which out-Gawkers Gawker, every day of the week - and is totally the place to be seen...
  

Thank you, thank you, one and all. Tell your friends!

And send yo' Momma any more nods (and links!) you find...

oh yeah, the farmers

This will be short, because I am too goddamned tired to make it long. Why am I so tired? Because of the goddamned farmers. I mean, who exactly do they pay off to get this goddamned Daylight Savings thing not only in effect, but now in effect for a longer time than ever? I'm from New York. We don't have to get up early in the morning and tend the cows or sow the seeds or whatever the fuck it is that farmers have to do. We don't need extra hours of sunlight so that when we're out plowing the fields we can do it in the sun. We don't plow no stinkin' fields. Yeah, yeah, I know, "it's so nice to have an extra hour of daylight in the evening, blah blah, blah." Hey, genius, we get extra hours in the evening ANYWAY because the goddamn days are getting goddamned longer. Without an act of Congress forcing us to turn our clocks ahead and lose an hour of precious sleep. I hate Daylight Savings Time, I hate the farmers, I hate the government (well, I'd hate them even if they let us keep the real time like we have in the Fall). I love the Fall time change - an extra hour of sleep, you wake up at 8:00 (who am I kidding) and it feels like 9:00. Luxuriously well-rested, you face the day - with DAYLIGHT early in the morning - and yeah, it gets dark early, but that's what happens in the winter ANYWAY. But not this evil "daylight savings" - what daylight are they saving? When the clock says 7AM it feels like 6. In what universe is that good??????? Sorry, but I will be grumpy and out of sorts for days, weeks, thanks to the goddamn farmers. Please bear with me.

On a less testy (I hope) note: welcome, out here in public, to the inimitable, the inestimable, the ineffable Ms. LGAB, who has graced my little bloggeroo's comments with her presence... braving the waters,... joining mes deux enfants magnifiques who always keep me honest and true. (Except that Grandpa H. did not run whiskey from Montreal during Prohibition, not even on his motorcycle. More about Grandpa, no doubt, in posts to come.) Hope more of you will attempt to add clarity to my ravings. That means you, J. Aune.

canadian crazies

Not to brag or anything, but it is a fact that I'm a natural speller. It's half a family trait. I'll spare you the spelling-bee-champion-of-P.S-95 story, but trust me, I never use spell-check. (I'm not a natural typer, however, so most likely any errors you notice here are a result of faulty fast fingers.) But every now and then I look at a word and it looks wrong - case in point, "odiferous" as spelled in my previous post. Not even knowing where the closest dictionary is, I googled it and found two interesting things. One, my spelling is acceptable (found in one dictionary), although there are a lot more hits (found in 27 dictionaries) on an alternate spelling, which I guess kind of puts me out there on my own. But two, and this is the Canadian part... well, read it yourself:

The English version of subsection 17(2) of Schedule II is amended to replace the incorrect spelling of odiferous with the correct spelling Aodoriferous.

"Aodoriferous"?? Smells funny to me. But this link goes beyond mere spelling. Check it out.

(By the way, I consider myself to be one-half Canadian, as my mother was born there, my father was raised there, and the majority of my 25 first cousins say "eh" and "aboot", play hockey, and can flawlessly curse in French - but I still think the country is crazy.)

east side west side

Driving yesterday into the city to meet Son on the East Side, I did what I always do, which is drive down the West Side. Basically I hate the F.D.R. I take the West Side Drive - a lovely ride, far superior to the potholed, prison-island mess of a parking lot along the dull East River. How can you compare the ungainly Triboro to the grace of the George Washington Bridge (even with the after-thought lower level stuck on) with its little lighthouse on one side and sandy beach that Betty took the kindergarten kids to on the other. I ask you: is there a song about the Triboro? NO. But you all know the one about George. Go on, sing it out. The West Side, children, that's the only way to roll.

From the absurd Henry Hudson Bridge that my father always drove way-way out of his way around so as to avoid the 10cent toll which is now what, $2.50? ... to the sadly always odiferous, but Trump-Apprentice-venue sewage treatment plant (with park and skating rink atop) that they couldn't find anywhere other than Harlem to locate, I chuckle at the latest Fairway electronic wisdom, ignore the billboards (there shouldn't be billboards - this is New York, not Ohio), exit at 95th or the marina and arrive on the Upper West Side: familiar, normal, a little grimy but lovable Upper West Side. Where buildings have names associated with them like Shlomo Carlebach and Leonard Nimoy, rather than Archibald Gracie (a rich guy who went bust and had to sell the house which continues to bear his name, thereby rubbing his nose in it) or William Waldorf Astor (a really rich guy who inherited gobs of money and later... bought a couple of magazines to amuse himself). Okay, it's not perfect - there's a fair amount of conspicuous consumption and private-school bullshit on the West too - but it has Murray's and Jerusalem and Rosita's and Columbus Bakery and lighted menorahs in the middle of Broadway. And it has real non-white people who aren't just there because they are delivery men - it's actually integrated. Even has homeless people, and people who talk to themselves out loud, and bodegas, and the occasional street fair. I mean, it's New York.

So I always take the West Side - meander around, getting a good dose of West Side grime and normalcy before plunging into the park and emerging on spiffy, stuffy, so-not-me Fifth Avenue. I always sort of think I should have hit the car wash somewhere around the police station midway through the park, because on the East Side you really don't want to be driving around in an unwashed Subaru, do you. The ladies just might pick up stones in their white gloved hands and throw 'em at you. Or maybe they'll just throw their diamonds. Anyway, fuck that, my 'Ru can take any of their Lexi, any time. Clean or dirty.

So, yesterday as I was driving over to Grandma B's to pick up Son, from the West unto the East, I noticed two women pushing baby carriages on either side of the park. One was an earth mother, wearing colorful socks and Birks, hair in a braid, also half-carrying a recalcitrant 2 year old - looking like a refugee from the City College of my 60s youth. The other was an impossibly thin, blond, beauty queen wearing black leather stiletto boots over spandex and a Missoni* -type long sweater that cried out "I'm still hot even though I just had a baby!" ...

(*TAKE THAT, A**** K*******, whose name I am bleeping so that she doesn't Google herself and find this and then retalitate against my own flesh-and-blood ... V-Ls, especially Lil' One, know lots about European fashion - and by the way that "D-" Zola paper was damn good, with all its metaphoric style, you fascist.)

Anyway, so what's my point? I don't remember. Oh yeah - the point was: Beauty Queen was walking on Amsterdam, a fairly grungy part of Amsterdam at that, and Earth Mother was on Park.

Go figure.

I was going to add some artwork to this post - you know, scenes that illustrate all of my finer points - but it's late and I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow. Oh wait, I do have to add one.

PS - Where I said "yesterday" above I actually meant Thursday, because it's still Friday until I go to sleep. Coming up soon, unless I change my mind: my thoughts about farmers. Happy April Fool's Day. Good night.

"When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong."

No, not Lennie Briscoe. Dirty Dancing. Jennifer "Baby" Grey's doctor father, lamely apologizing to Patrick Swayze for completely misjudging him. (Of course I don't think he actually says he's wrong, but that's another post....) And, attentive offspring in the audience, the above is the actual quote, not the version that lives in family lore. I looked it up.

So PP returned home triumphant. Case dismissed. Didn't even have to tell his story to the judge. The officer didn't show, no surprise. But usually it has been our experience that the judge gives these defenders of the peace at least one more chance and reschedules the hearing - or - sometimes they offer an opportunity for the defendant to plea bargain and pay a usurious, but point-free, fine. Which PP was angling for. Which I scoffed at, saying there was no defense and they would throw the book at him. But whaddya know, the "alleged" offense took place on the Saw Mill River Parkway, and hence was not town, but county. And you need a county chochem to negotiate a plea. But none was there. So.... case dismissed. No fine, no points, no hearing, no nothing. Rumor has it that PP considered riding off on Dollar the horse - hail the conquering hero - but instead drove (within the speed limit I am sure) home.

So this is where I get to quote that sharp-dressing 80s disco-dancing doctor.

"When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong."



ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: the picture is from Jerry's no-doubt memorable 1980 appearance as Lars Mangros in the "Space Rockers" episode of the forgettable (well, I've forgotten it) tv show, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. There do not seem to be any pictures on the net - NONE - of Jerry in Dirty D.. Perhaps ye of bigger bandwidth can find one and send me the link. I give up.

never pay a traffic ticket if you can spend hours of your life, losing valuable sleep, fighting it

Well, that went well. Thank you, lil' one.

The only reason for this post is to provoke someone into wondering "why is she up so early in the morning?" The answer is, "in solidarity". (Ok, it was early when I started this post - I had to figure out how to get that picture there, had to edit the bugger, you know.)

PP has to appear in the Village of Elmsford (known around here as "Village of the Damned") Town Court this morning to fight a speeding ticket - 70 in a 55 mph zone - that may or may not have been legitimate. I mean I was there, but who looks at someone else's speedometer.* I'm not going to be a witness on his behalf, though, because I would break under the Jack Bristow-Agent Burke-stylo torture they no doubt would inflict on me. Doesn't matter anyway - in traffic court interested-party witnesses are ignored and you are guilty unless the cop doesn't show, in which case they try to plea-bargain you down to a mere $100 fine and no points. Well, that's what he's hoping for. I sit here, awake, hoping I don't get a call about a distraught author making a disturbance on Stone Street, taking revenge on Dollar, [SCROLL DOWN!] the horse.

I'll be sure to let y'all know.



*DISCLAIMER: any implication that you may infer, of course, is poetic license, fictional embellishment of the truth which is that he was totally driving within the speed limit, as anyone who knows him knows, thank you very much.

welcome to my house

I do. See all, that is. I'm not sure if I want to share it with the world, so this is an experiment. But on the other hand, when I stumble across some absurdity or another I just might bring it here. We shall see.